the bubble has burst

Mason,

The dreaded day has arrived--January 3rd, the day I am returning to work. The euphoric, priceless, much-too-short new mommy/new baby bubble has burst. I have to leave you during the day now, and I'm heartbroken about it.

I've been dreading this day since you were minutes old and I realized, "Oh. OH! This is what it's all about. Why did I ever think I'd rather work than care for this sweet little bundle all day? How can I ever leave my baby?"

Fifteen weeks and three days at home full-time with you shattered all of my preconceived notions about being a stay-at-home-mom. These days with you were anything but mundane. Your poop explosions and mood swings kept me on my toes. Your rapid development brought wonder and surprise to each week. Your many baby friends, and their mommies, kept us company and I never felt lonely or isolated. My problem-solving and research skills that I developed while completing my Ph.D. came in handy when trying to figure you out--you're a little mystery! Witnessing your personality emerge brought laughter and joy that I never thought possible. Getting to know you better each day, in ways that no one else could, has been priceless. Not having much experience with babies before you arrived, I had erroneously assumed that a trained professional would care for you better than I could. Now I know better. No one will ever truly put your needs first or care for you as well as your mommy and daddy.

I wept off and on all day. Leaving you this morning tore my heart out, and whenever someone at work welcomed me back or asked about you, I bawled like a baby. At times, I sounded like you! The tears will subside eventually. But the heavyhearted feeling that grows exponentially from the moment you wake up each morning to when we say goodbye will linger, perhaps indefinitely. We'll both get used to it, but I'll never feel right about leaving you. 

Please know, sweet Mason, that if given the choice between my best day at work or your grumpiest day at home, I would wholeheartedly and eagerly choose the latter--every time.

Love you and miss you always!

Mommy